A few days ago, a memory on Instagram popped up about my Break. Open. blog post that I posted two years ago. It made me want to reflect on the changes that have happened since then. I still can’t believe it’s been that long.

Back then, I was slowly coming out of break up which I like to refer to as my ‘breakthrough’. I call it that, because it was the point when I broke through the many layers of pain that I’ve been holding onto for years.

I was slowly breaking open into the world of healing from pain I wasn’t even aware of.

I remember spending about 3 months at home; not working or socializing with others. During this time, I forced myself to face all my traumas and pain. It was one of the hardest things I had to do.

but I wanted to know why this particular heartbreak hurt so much? It wasn’t like I haven’t experienced betrayal/heartbreak before, so what about this made it all so painful?

It wasn’t the break up that made me feel so much pain, it was the years of healing from pain and my soul had enough! It was crying out for help.

One night, I found myself crying so hard, and these exact words came out of my mouth “Why won’t you acknowledge me? why won’t you be honest and tell me the truth? Why are you doing this to me? Why don’t you treat me better?” and in that moment, I realized I was having conversation with myself. I was directing those sentences to MYSELF. It was then that I truly realized that all the pain I was feeling in my heart was because I didn’t love myself ENOUGH.

I wasn’t accepting myself fully, I wasn’t acknowledging myself & I wasn’t being honest with myself.

This was a huge discovery for me. It was a painful thing to admit that throughout the years, I haven’t truly loved myself properly even though I thought I did.

This realization changed everything for me.

“The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves.” -Semrad

So, I started to explore areas in my life where I lacked SELF LOVE.

I started to ask myself, what does self-love even mean? What does that even look like? How does that even feel?

One of the things that showed me is that I lacked self-love; not setting boundaries with others. I always found myself feeling guilty/obligated to saying yes and being there for others even when it meant sacrificing what I wanted for myself. I was saying YES to others and NO to myself. Putting other’s needs before mine.

After those three months of facing my traumas, meditating and journaling daily, reading a different book weekly (see book suggestions below), praying 5x a day and secluding myself from people, I decided to enter my 31st year on this earth with the intention of opening my heart and to LOVE fully. When I say LOVE fully, I mean love myself fully.

I wanted to learn how to love myself the right way and open in ways I never have before.

In 2018, I CHOSE myself. I opened myself to life and in return life opened up for me.

2018 was an amazing year! By far, the best year I’ve had to date in every aspect of my life.

So, what really happened in 2018? What was different about this year?

Emotionally

I used to suffer from anxiety and depression. In the past, when heavy emotions surfaced, I had difficulty conquering/controlling them. I used to allow my mind to create million scenarios that were nowhere near my reality. I used to get so caught up in the illusions that it felt like I was suffocating. I would be in a dark heavy place for weeks or months at a time. In 2018, I don’t even remember being sad and if I was, it wouldn’t last more than a few hours or a day. That, to me was major progress.

Spiritually

2018, I understood God more than I have ever before. Because my heart was open, I was able to feel His presence more. I could hear Him clearer.

The connection between us felt so much stronger.

In the past, I couldn’t separate facts from illusions. I would ask God, and felt leaving more confused than when I came to Him. But in 2018, I would hear the answers right away. I would know what to do even if it was difficult, but I knew it was the answer. I wasn’t confused.

Because of this strong connection, I have gotten to know God on a much deeper level. I no longer feared Him, I LOVE Him. I don’t do things out of fear of Him, I do them because I LOVE Him.

This is actually one of the greatest things that have happened to me in 2018; discovering the deep love I have for God.

Financially

When people think of opening their heart, they don’t really think of how that can help them financially. Opening your heart also means opening up your bank account to more can flow.

How?

Well, for me, opening my heart meant that I was open to building relationships that later on turned to contracts and sales. Opening your heart means opening up to opportunities and people. I was open to exposing myself to new people and places lead me to better career opportunities.

When you’re closed off and don’t trust people, you don’t realize the opportunities you miss from those people that can actually help/support you.

In 2017, I was making 55K in comparison to making 137K in 2018. I didn’t work more, I actually worked less than I did the previous years. The difference was my state of being. I was lighter, happier and more open than I have ever been. I built strong relationships with people that wanted to see me to grow financially so they always brought opportunities to me that reflected that.

Romantically

Now this is probably one the most interesting changes. I manifested my partner. March 2018, I wrote a list of the partner I wanted to date in the future. I wrote down in specific details what I wanted him to be like and how I wanted to be in that relationship. I didn’t look back at the list until months after I started dating him. He literally was/is everything I had written down.

I didn’t seek him, and he didn’t seek me. A mutual friend randomly bought up a discussion about how great it would be for us to conncet, and made it happen.

From the moment we connected, it felt familiar to me. Like I knew him from before. It didn’t feel awkward, it just felt right.

So how was I different in this relationship than my past ones?

Well, I was more open. I challenged myself to show up fully. To not have my walls up, to explore new ways of feeling, to be more affectionate, to express love more, to be different. While dating him, I chose to love unconditionally. Most would think that I am meant loving him unconditionally, but no, I meant loving myself unconditionally. I had to learn how to love myself unconditionally so that I could do that for love him in return.

In this partnership I always choose myself first. I considered how it would make me feel before I did anything. I ask myself, is it helping my healing and growth?

In 2018, I’ve learned to love myself so deeply that it made me realize that I never was in love before.

People can only love you with the capacity of how they love themselves.

This was a tough realization for me. As I explored the capacity of my love, I realized I haven’t truly loved before. I showed up half loving myself and giving/getting that in return. Both loving each other halfway.

I was definitely scared in the past. I was scared of being deeply hurt. So, I loved just ‘enough’ and got that just ‘enough’ love in return.

2018, I was wide open. I no longer had the fear of pain. As I was loving him, I was loving myself even more. I was loving the open person that I was.

It was like I met myself for the first time.

I would do things that I never have before and it felt good.

I learned how to show up differently in my romantic relationship and my relationships with family and friends.

Other things have happened in 2018 but those are the major changes.

So, what about 2019? Well this year was/is a year of more growth and healing. It felt like things were moving a lot slower than they did in 2018. In 2018, it felt like I was on a roller coaster before the drop. 2019, wasn’t necessarily a low drop but it did drop a bit. Let’s just say that 2018 showed me how life can be great when you’re open and not being held back by your traumas.

2019, was a test to see if I actually healed. Have I actually done the work?

When I was faced with difficult situations that in the past would send me to a dark place, I kept hearing “This is a test. This is a test.” So, I treated them as such. I literally sat uncomfortably with what I was feeling till it passed. I would get close to what It would feel like an anxiety attack but work my way through before it actually happens. I was more aware and in control with what was going with me internally. I was able to recognize the root of the problem and find solutions right away.

This is the greatest part of my healing journey; being able to see the root of my discomfort and still find comfort within that space.

We still have a bit of time left in 2019, but so far things have been great. I have had unexpected turns throughout my rollercoaster ride, but they were good for my growth.

I opened my yoga studio Tru3 Yoga. Ahhh, this is my baby. It took two years to make this happen! I spent two years of dealing paperwork, licensing and getting things aligned for it to actually come into fruition. But it was worth the trouble and wait. I have a strong team behind me that is helping me grow Tru3 into the safest space I meant for it to be. I am grateful for them! I am excited to see what the years to come will bring.

As far my romantic life, I am in love.

It has been a great journey. I am continuously growing in this space. I am extremely grateful to have a partner that has provided a safe space for that. We both have been challenged together and individually and through it all, it made us love each other even more deeply. This journey of love with him has been a blessing.

This relationship is different because I am different. I have learned that in order to get the love I deserve, I needed to give myself the love I deserve.

As far as spiritually, my love for God grows more and more each day. I am constantly looking for different ways to hear and see God. And it has been such a beautiful journey!

These Two. Years. have been transformative for me.

I have learned the power of self-love and surrender.

And in learning these things: I find myself feeling more powerful than I ever have in the past.

& I will leave you with this,

Love. Within. and watch your life be nothing but a reflection of that.

Namaste.

Book Suggestions

· “A return to love” By Marianne Williamson

· “A New Earth” By Eckhart Tolle

· “Conversations with God” by Neale Donald Walsch

· “Radical Acceptance” By Tara Brach